Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…