i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
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“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate