i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I have written yet another poem about laundry
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.