i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
A man of commitment.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”