Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

stand with me against insufficient seating

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Never forget.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.