Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you