Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Britain be like

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.