Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

Breaking news:

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.