i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.