Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

That 👊

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”