I’m not wrong
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You don’t even know
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?