I’m not wrong
You Might Also Like
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The median voter
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet