I’m not wrong
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.