Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*