@NYC_Blonde

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

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@PlanetofFinks

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

@Rollinintheseat

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

@FunnyBison

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

@AndrewNadeau0

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

@AmishPornStar1

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@noog

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.