@NYC_Blonde

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

You Might Also Like

@Donna_McCoy

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

@frankiemuniz

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

@FunnyBison

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@ItsAndyRyan

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

@Jake_Vig

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours

@EdgarAllanLo

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

@thatUPSdude

That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

@ohheyohhihello

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY