I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.