There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m giving up for Lent.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.
what do we want???
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY