Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy