Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.