Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Phones down.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

ㅤ

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask