I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.