Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast