I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
You Might Also Like
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Chicken bread
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Banking tips
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Are we there yet?…
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.