I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..