I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I love the National Park Service.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.