Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again