I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
You Might Also Like
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.