I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
lol
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.