I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
You Might Also Like
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty