Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Put a ring on it

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Donkey Kong sommelier

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’