I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I just ran a .003048K
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
(Gaming support cat.)
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
live, laugh, laundry.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour