Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.