Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Me: Your eyes
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.
[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community