@Julie_McGann1

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

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@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

@dreamthievin

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@Breadery

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

@dave_cactus

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

@platinum2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@shkeeber

Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola

@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community