Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

My typo game is string.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.