I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”