I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
mom had nothing to worry about
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run