I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.
*throws knife, misses map.*
Space, I’m going to space
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: But can robots write poetry?!
Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all
Me: [Choking back tears] Dude
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.