If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
WHY?!
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.