@tomw1984

I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space

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@TheSkyIScrape_

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

@briangaar

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@fuzzlime

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

@Greg_1_Leg

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.