Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

dark side of the loom

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.