Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.