I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
yea so i messed up lol
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.