I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.