I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
😾
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?