Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth