I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
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excuse me
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Brands during Pride
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.