I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
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Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)