I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.