I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.