I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?