I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
best first i’ve ever seen
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer