I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
It kinda feels like this rn
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I love texting my boyfriend
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*