I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless