I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
