Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

Nice try Hitler

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.