Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

If you breakdance you buy dance.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

*Inspirational Tweets*

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.