Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

marvel comics have peaked

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting