Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.