Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.