I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!