I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You Might Also Like
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.