I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.