I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

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If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.


Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?


In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.


[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week


ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.


Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.


The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.


Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.


*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!