If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!