[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
There’s never enough good news
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.