I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you