I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Sounds like a real hoot.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Quadruple digit IQ
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…