Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.