i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt

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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”


My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.


melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog


A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before


Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you… Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)


Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*


My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete


Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.


Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*