Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.