I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
You Might Also Like
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am