I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.