Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

real

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.