Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
the noise i just made
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found