Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.