I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I Can’t Tonight…
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
White Castle for the Win
