I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
why no one uses midhusbands
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
shit just got real
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Encore…
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.