Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.