I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You Might Also Like
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Tuesday
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”