When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.