I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.