I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.