I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*