I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.